SILENCE IS NOT GOLDEN
Hello angels, welcome to my story. One I hope that will inspire you to become greater than what I had to live through……through this journey, I have rebuilt my mind and body, after 34 years of medical madness, I’m EMPOWERED AND EMPOWER OTHERS TO STEP INTO THEIR GREATNESS.
They say that “SILENCE IS GOLDEN” But, nothing could be further from the truth. Silence keeps us unaware and hidden in the layers of society, as patterns continue from generation to generation without change.
I broke my silence in 2015, going on-line at Cosmofunnel to tell this story and met others with similar experiences with Neurotransmitters sending shocks through their body.
So often we are overlooked by doctors and our voices are silenced by medications……BREAK YOUR SILENCE….and learn how to use the power of your mind. SKILLS FOR PILLS.
I recently put up a video that explains my poem….https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDGctIQRGnA&t=122s
Memories plague me in the darkness
And as they rear their ugly head
They only remind me of all that I’ve lost
My life, my freedom and my children are dead
Dear God, please forgive my anger
For these transgressions that I see
All the madness that I have lived through
Almost got the better of me
I have no need for food or sleep
What I crave most are the sun and air
When I look out the window of my sanctuary
I see no signs of the truth anywhere out there
Dear God, it’s you I’ve turned to the most
For answers, for courage and faith
And as I read these medical reports of cruelty
Anger washes over me, replacing the hate
My Lord, I have, but five days to wait
Can I hold onto the hope that he’ll come to my aid?
I can’t close my eyes, I can’t find any rest
From the pain these doctors continually create
I see clearly such torture in one operation
And I shake with the echo of hearing my pleas
During the operation, I felt what they were doing
And when I slipped into unconsciousness, fear followed me
When I woke up in recovery, I felt only doom
All I’ve done for so long was cry and beg
Now I felt something more when I turned on my machine
The current was not reaching my back but was running down my legs
The first doctor that implanted this medical device
Offered me a choice between paralysis and pain
And as I read this again in my medical file
It leaves me reeling in sorrow, reeling in shame
Once again, I was sent back to my prison of silence
I lost the job that I loved and my friends of nine years
I kept searching for help, but no one would touch me
And each night I lay down, I slept on my pillow of tears
It took three long years to find another doctor
He said he would operate and put the wires back in place
He smiled as he spoke and promised to help
I smiled back through my fear, as I looked at his face
I believed what he promised, but I felt like a fool
As I waited daily in my bed for his call
Depression took over, as days turned into months
He couldn’t be reached, I was climbing the walls
My doctor’s husband took over and went to his office
Not leaving until he got my surgery date
My Adjudicator harassed me, wouldn’t leave me in peace
They wanted me working, and they wouldn’t wait
The day finally came; I had my fifth operation
Another stranger opened me up, creating a mess
When I woke up much later, I felt such foreboding
I turned on my machine, and I screamed from the stress
Something was wrong, the current was closer
But, still gave me no comfort as it had done before
I looked up at my doctor and as I was sedated
I wondered how I would get over being sliced open once more
Two weeks later I had my sixth operation
Preparing my mind for what was to come
This sixth operation was finally completed
And I went home feeling lost, so alone and so numb
Alone with my sorrow, my body felt mangled
I recovered slowly a few more years gone
I asked God for assistance in clearing my heart
I tried to forgive the ones who had done me wrong
Five years passed, filled with depression and pills
I needed Workers Compensation to help me update my skills
The office software had changed from five years ago
I asked my caseworker for help but received a flat “No.”
I was still in grave shock as I hung up the phone
There was no one beside me; I was completely alone
I needed some hope I then called her manager
The kindness in his voice helped sooth some of my anger
I paid into this system from the time I was ten
They cared nothing about me, or the hell I’d been in
Their ignorance and disrespect cause me such shame
They lied in their reports saying I had low back pain
I questioned my pension wondering what that was based on
When I told them the truth, they treated me like a con
Why would I have to lie, or pretend to have pain?
They paid me meager wages; I had nothing to gain
These machines that I wore electrocuted me twice
I know if it happened a third time, death would hold the dice
My adjudicators asked me nothing and they cared even less
My depression got worse, my body and mind were a mess
When I cried on the phone, they had no empathy
They said those were the rules; they had to follow policy
I had to find a job even though I was a wreck
My adjudicator decided to cut off my cheque
Now I had another fight come to my door
And I promised myself that I would take this no more
So, I wrote a report and I made them a vow
That the world would hear my story and I would speak loud
it’s been 29 years, and this is not right
So, now it’s time I found others for help and support in this fight
It’s been thirty-five years and all that I know
Are the pain, scars and losses, that I never shown
I still fight in a corrupt system that refuses to care
So, it’s time I showed these people the reason God keeps me here
©Brenda Keough March 13, 2014 3:00 p.m.
This poem Medical Madness was supposed to go in my first book GIVE ME A SECOND, but because of the length it was too big for an eBook. It’s funny how God gives me poetry to write at such unusual times. It was twenty-nine so years later I got to write a summary about my medical madness through a poem. I am so grateful to God that he blessed me with such writing to heal and erase all my anger and my pain.
I finally finished the last chapter of an injured worker’s journey through medical madness I started a new chapter and I start many more new books, eBooks, audios to come out. I am making a comeback and a promise that the future will be far, far different than the past. These medical crimes, and generational patterns must change to protect the next generations to come from a system that doesn’t care.
I made it, but so many people don’t, or won’t I consider myself one of the lucky ones and I certainly do not consider myself a statistic. The problem my adjudicators had with me was that I didn’t fit in the box that they wanted me to fit in . I refused to look haggard to prove a point that I had pain to deal with.
I remember meeting with a lawyer who said the only way for me to get compensation was to look sick to look like I was in pain, or dying as he said. A lawyer that is supposed to represent injured workers and fight for their rights, tells me this and a tear 😢 slid down my face as I got up, and without a word, or before I punched him in the face…lol 😆 I walked out of his office, angrier. And all I remember was feeling such disappointment that a lawyer would tell us we have to reduce ourselves to such a state to prove a point when the facts have already been proven
Silence serves no purpose other than letting the patterns of ignorance, chaos, and destruction continue from one generation to the next….
The misleading information and facts that stare me in the face when I opened my Workers Compensation medical file in 2006, was enough to make me BREAK MY SILENCE.
Now I have a voice. Misdiagnosis happens more than we think, or hear about. To think that a simple broken rib would cause such so much internal damage, heartache, losses, and destruction in this day is a crime.
MY WALK THROUGH MEDICAL MADNESS 1985-2015
I had an accident in 1985 which resulted in a broken rib. An x-ray was taken showing a “hot spot” and a misdiagnosis, of “Rhomboid muscle strain,” was stated as the cause of my pain. this caused the biggest challenges I have ever experienced in my life, sending me on a fight for my life, my human rights to medical attention and to find someone to acknowledge I had a broken rib and not “muscle problems.”
I saw a total of eighteen doctors that the first year, but too many times I was turned away because they believed I only suffered from muscle problems, PSTD, or I was overreacting. I knew that if I survived my childhood, I could survive anything, and there were many times I didn’t think I would see the next day, but I made it, by the grace of God…..I found a way and kept going. Before my accident, I didn’t have any psychological issues or serious health issues…..I had a life to rebuild.
I was put into the Workers Compensation system and given a number. And it seems I was judged on my appearance because I didn’t look the way anyone wanted, and they couldn’t see the physical cause of the pain I was in, it was said in many of their reports that I was exaggerating, and when they found out about my abusive childhood, they said I was dealing with PSTD?
I can only pray that my experiences, won’t become the experience of someone else. I was twenty-two when this happened. A frightened young girl, in pain and up against some pretty big doctors….and I fought these battles, for the most part, requesting my medical case be investigated, but like my words, they were lost on many
When you’re put in the WSIB system, they put you through the wringer. I went into their Rehab and later I was sent to a Psychiatrist for an evaluation.
I trusted the Psychiatrist Workers Comp sent me to, and despite them saying that “information was confidential,” When I investigated my Workers Compensation file, I found everything that I had said to the doctor about my childhood in my files and that was used against me.
Nothing was confidential and all that I said in private, was in my files for everyone else to judge further….
I often wondered, had I told them a different story, I what would have been different?
The above pictures of my back is the result of six unnecessary operations I suffered after the broken rib was removed in 1986, almost a year later, when a CT scan was finally done December 1985, eight months later. Had any one of the eighteen doctor’s I’d seen in 1985 investigated further by doing a CT scan at the time, they would have seen the broken rib and my life, I know would not have suffered such losses and I wouldn’t be suffering with nerve damage and chronic pain for the rest of my life…..a second injury, after the rib was removed in 1986, a year later.
The result of that was that I was left with internal damage to muscles and nerve damage that caused further problems and pain..
The first year I was prostituted through one pain clinic to another pain clinic. Having painful nerve blocks, and spinal taps, x-rays and body scans, and nobody could figure out what the problem was. But, because nothing showed on an X-ray, and the only reports WSIB received before seeing me, that was my cross to bear.
They wouldn’t believe me when I said something was broken. The Workers Compensation’s convoluted reports from day one stated I was only on the system for a pension. I was exaggerating. One of the reports I found written by some doctor I hadn’t seen, reported ” I was a 63-year old with “low back problems” and the reports about me having “low back problems would continue to crucify me.
I had a meeting with them and my lawyer in 2006 to change what was in my file or start a new one and they wouldn’t start a new one, but wanted me to black out what wasn’t factual……that would mean the whole file. It made no difference, reports were still written saying I suffered with “Low back problems” by managers on my case until 2008. There is a big difference is “muscle pain” and a broken rib, as well as low back pain and what I was suffering with upper back pain/nerve damage.
Because of ignorance, medications and radiation, I found out I was pregnant and had to lose two pregnancies 🤰 🤰 1985-1986 and the losses continued accumulating. The hope of ever having a family of my own was taken away by what was done and the things that happened afterwards.
God made me a Poet in 1985 and for every loss a poem was written that kept me sane, helping me find a better perspective on looking at the situations I was up against. giving me the courage and strength to fight for my rights……
Having proof on the CT scan, I showed it to the doctor’s and they did nothing more than say it would heal. I had to admit myself into the hospital in December 1985, for breathing difficulties.
I had originally seen a surgeon there, so I was hoping he would help. A week later he came in to see me. I showed him the CT scan and all he said was he would do his own testing. Rather than remove the rib that was causing so much internal damage, he decided to put me through several weeks of painful nerve blocks, to freeze the muscles…..that didn’t stop the pain, but made things worse, as I told him. I could no longer lay down to sleep, but had to lean across my table to get some relief.
They wouldn’t give me anything adequate for the intensity of the pain, so I had to leave the hospital and see one of the doctor’s that tried to help me before. 😷 He wrote me a stronger prescription and I went back to the hospital. That was when I found out about my first pregnancy 🤰 and they elected to give me an abortion, due to all the radiation, medications and stuff. I went down a dark hole of depression and when I lost my child 🧒 they took my soul as well.
The doctor wouldn’t give us any information on what they were going to do but continued the nerve blocks…..so I left the hospital 🏥 shortly after. His report stated that he was going to remove the rib, but I left the hospital without being discharged. It should have been removed when he first saw the scan, it had been broken for a year!
I was back at square one again. Having lost a child, in more pain, all I wanted to do was die. WSB was harassing me about returning to work and they didn’t care about my loss. But God wouldn’t let me give up, he helped me write it out. I had to search for someone to help me again. Finally found another surgeon and when I saw him, I gave him as suicide letter, I couldn’t talk anymore, so I let the letter do the explaining of what I went through, what happened and telling him if he turned me away, I would go home and put myself to sleep.
My first operation was in 1986.
He agreed immediately to remove the broken rib, because the rib was ignored, it had grown callus around it trapping nerves. I had my first operation on March 4th day before my twenty-third birthday. The rib, as well as damaged nerves, were removed. After the operation, I was left with new pain problems. A report was sent to WSIB and nobody ever recognized that I was left with nerve damage and a second injury.
I had to find help for this pain and burning in my upper back. and WSIB started harassing me shortly after the operation about returning to work. They cut me off and I had to find a job and a lawyer to fight to get back on the system. My surgeon sent them a letter telling them I couldn’t return to my previous job.
Despite being in so much pain, I had to start looking for work, I eventually found a job, and fought each day to work through the pain, until I could find a lawyer to help me. I eventually got reinstated with WSIB and spent the next few years dealing with nerve damage. I found out I was pregnant again and had to have another elective abortion. I could never have any more children after I lost the 2nd child that was growing inside me. It seems everything was taken from me, time and again.
I was reinstated back on WSIB and sought help for the burning and pain. I was sent to a Neurologist, a wonderful doctor 😷 and he kept WSIB off my back for a while. Sending them a letter saying I was dealing with real problems. In one report he stated that ‘NOTHING INVASIVE SHOULD BE DONE.”
I was sent to Behaviour Modification to learn how to deal with the pain better for six months or so. Returning to the Neurosurgeon, he noticed a good change in me, but the pain and burning 🔥 was still intense. He Mentioned a device called a Neurostimulator and explained that it stopped nerve pain. He used it on his patients that had pain in the lower extremities, feet and legs.
Five years later in 1991, my second operation, I was introduced to a medical device ‘spinal column stimulator.” The surgeon told me I had to be semi-conscious during the operation, so they could test the device to make sure it was in the right area of my upper back and I could feel the stimulation. Then they put me to sleep to finish inserting wires and a transmitter in my abdomen. I woke up later freaking out as I saw wires hanging out of my back. I was told they wanted to make sure the device would work before tucking the wires in place. My third operation was to tuck the wires in place and I went home a week later.
The pictures above are of the medical device a Medtronic Neurotransmitter, (spinal column stimulator.) This was inserted into my body in 1991, then 1998, 2000 – as an experiment, to stop nerve pain. Prior to my having this inserted in my thoracic spine, it was only used for the lower extremities. So, I became the guinea pig they forgot to monitor, and the price I paid was being electrocuted by these devices that were never monitored almost cost me my life on two occasions.
I wore these devices 24/7. This device would send 750 amps of electricity through my nervous system, my body literally vibrated from the electricity needed to stop the pain. It took some getting used to as the electricity would drain me of energy and 8-volt batteries ran out in four hours. I had to get industrial batteries and changed them often. WSIB continued to harass me about returning to work, but I couldn’t return to my heavy lifting and fought them to change careers.
I didn’t have many options and eventually went for training as a Secretary. I was able to return to the workforce in 1992, I eventually found a great job and tried hard to forget the past, tried to rebuild my world. I lived and worked for the next seven years. I wasn’t on any medications, as the pain was stopped by the electricity. I had a new family doctor who knew nothing of the device before. I rebuilt my life and forgot I wore a medical device.
I was never monitored medically, as these machines are supposed to be I would find out much later. As soon as the devices were back in my body, WSIB pushed me back into the workforce, and I was forgotten by everyone for seven years. The adjudicators who had harassed me for years wanting doctors reports stopped asking for medical reports.
The device became a part of me like breathing….it did stop pain…it was my miracle, but a curse.
Then one day in 1998 while at work, without warning, the machine suddenly went haywire when I shifted my body, and as the force of electricity rose in my body, I was paralyzed, couldn’t cry out, could only cry silently, as my body contorted, and my heart hurt almost beating out of my chest, I almost blacked out from the force.
Had it not been for my co-worker unplugging the cord from the transmitter, or had I been anywhere else that day, it would have killed me. I left work thinking I would be back in a few months, but things took a turn for the worse.
I went back to the original surgeon who seemed to think the wires slipped, so, I had my fourth operation to replace the PISCES II and he inserted a Quad X-Trel system, a newer model. For some reason that day I felt uneasy, I was sedated as the surgeon came in and spoke to me, he said: “what leg are we operating on today.” I just laughed it off…but bells went off in my head. During the operation I was feeling a lot of discomforts and started squirming, the surgeon was getting upset with me and eventually, I was put completely under. (the machine wasn’t tested)
Later I woke up in recovery the doctor came in chastising me for being upset in the operating room. He said the device was changed and that I could turn the device on a week later. I went home and a week later turned on the device only to find the electricity wasn’t reaching my upper back but was only going as far as my rib cage.
I called the surgeon several times and eventually went back to see him. Because if I turned the device on higher to reach my upper back, the intense electricity caused me to lose the use of my legs and walking was wobbly, I was falling.
When I went back to see the surgeon, he didn’t seem very pleased. I told him this, he tried adjusting the device and nothing worked. He told me to get used to it and later sent a letter to my doctor saying there was nothing he could do. He didn’t do an x-ray to check the device but instead told me to live with pain or paralysis. If he had not been upset with me and done an x-ray, he would have noticed a difference when compared to the 1991 x-ray of the device and he could have fixed the wires in the right place.
My doctor sent me to another surgeon, who did an x-ray and said the wires needed to be moved they weren’t in the same place as previous. He compared the x-ray of 1991. He refused to help but told me to go back to the surgeon and have it fixed. He didn’t want to deal with a colleague’s patients.
I spent the summer unable to walk, trying to take care of the pain because the electricity was so high. We tried to work with Medtronic in the US. And tried to get help from Medtronic one Saturday at the doctor’s office to try adjusting the stimulator, nothing would work. I also got a call from my boss, telling me they were letting me go.
I was heartbroken, I worked for a great company and lost it due to this nightmare. All I wished for day and night was to die.
I spent years fighting with Workers Compensation and trying to find a new surgeon that would fix the wires. Again I was on a fight to look for medical help. There were not many doctors in Toronto that knew about this device, and I was the first patient to wear this in the thoracic area that had ever dealt with a stimulator being in the thoracic area and they weren’t comfortable.
WSIB was making my life hell and my doctor 😷 had to constantly fight with them to get me taxis to therapy. One adjudicator who refused, asked me to measure the distance from my place to the bus 🚍 stop. He didn’t care that I was having walking 🚶 problems after the operation.
I found a new surgeon in 2000, in Mississauga, who said he would fix the wiring. He said he would contact WSIB and I waited for months and he never contacted me. My doctor tried contacting him and nobody was answering her calls or letters. I called, wrote letters and eventually sent a registered letter, as well as contacted the College of Physicians and Surgeons, asking for their help, which was a waste of time, they said they couldn’t make anyone do anything.
My doctor’s husband finally got involved in 2002 and went to see the surgeon. He didn’t leave without getting a surgery date. I finally heard from the surgeon a few months later, he asked about the College of Physicians and Surgeons report and asked me to cancel it, and he said he was having family problems and apologized. So, he set me a date to have my fourth operation to fix the wires. Causing more damage and pain
Unfortunately, the device wasn’t tested in the operating room. When I woke up the electricity was still in the lower abdomen area and wouldn’t go any higher. I screamed from the stress. The doctor came in and apologized, saying that he would redo the operation in two weeks.
I went home and returned two weeks later for my fifth operation. He put the wires in the right place and I went home to recover.
I tried hard to rebuild my life again. I started working at a new job and made friends, started a relationship and put the past behind me.
2008 while sitting at my desk at work the device malfunctioned again. I was faced with the horror of going through another electrocution. Once again my body contorted and I couldn’t cry out for help. A few minutes later my co-worker noticed my distress and started screaming, she thought I was having a seizure. It was only by some miracle that she decided to reach for the device I wore and unplugged it. My body collapsed on the floor and it took me some time to regain my senses.
I eventually called WSIB and Medtronic and explained what happened. I was told by the manufacturer that the device was obsolete in 2003….Something nobody informed me about. I was told to find a surgeon and have the device changed.
And my search was on again to find a doctor to help me with this device and it took years to find help. In 2010, I awoke with electricity running through my head, the pain was so bad I called an ambulance. I waited in the hospital for eight hours. When the doctor finally came in, he stood across the room from me and didn’t examine me. He found out about the device and told me to go to the U.S., or to another town to get help, he eventually sent me home with a few muscle relaxants.
These electrocutions, unnecessary surgeries, botched surgeries, and further injuries have been swept under the carpet by each Workers Compensation adjudicators on my case. They didn’t care how much I had to fight each time for medical care and they still have no idea about what really happened, nor do they care. I searched for medical help that came much too late, delayed by an adjudicator.
I had my sixth and last operation in 2010. The surgeon said he notified WSIB, but they ignored his letter. Lying when I asked if they had heard from him. The surgeon couldn’t remove the device it had grown into my spine and the wires were covered in scar tissue. So, I’m left with a device in my body and I don’t know what will happen in the future, but I will never wear another device, or be cut open again.
I fought WSIB every year for 32 years trying to keep them from cutting me off and had meetings with the President and Vice President, explaining my case trying to get compensation for all the injuries and electrocutions, the mistakes caused and the losses.
And nobody investigated what happened. In 2010 I was asked by the Vice President to do a video to sensitize their workers and give them an idea of what it was like for me in the system. To give them a better understanding of the problems we face…still, face.
If someone needs to be sensitized, they shouldn’t be working in jobs where they are supposed to help others. I have a copy of the video and it broke my heart when I watched it.
We think we have a system in place to protect us when we are injured, but we don’t. And if we don’t, WHY ARE WE PAYING INTO THIS SYSTEM? We don’t have a system that protects us when we are injured on the job, we have a system that puts us into a new “CONCENTRATION CAMP,” we are assigned a number and they do everything in their power to get us off the system from day one.
The Workers Compensation adjudicator’s shame us, and we are crucified and we alone, pay a heavy price for being injured, physically, mentally, emotionally and financially. It’s a system that buries their dead under outdated policies. I can only hope that my story will help you protect yourself, and your children, as well as future generations from knowing, or experiencing these nightmares. I have God to thank for my life, from the time I was born, I was born only knowing a world of chaos, abuse, pain, and losses.
I survived, two electrocutions and years of taking chemicals for pain, lost in depression, walking through a fog…which left me with a lifetime of nerve damage known as Complex Regional Pain Syndrome that the Workers Compensation doesn’t recognize to this to this day.
I have never been compensated for these further injuries and losses. And the injustice is that I was out in society many times, rebuilding my life, making more money than I did in 1985…and because of these malfunctions, I get put back on this WSIB system as a “recurrence of my injury.” My injury was a broken rib, NOT electrocutions and NOT “Rhomboid muscle strain,”
I became my own lawyer investigating my file and fighting this case for 34 years. I am still on Workers Compensation Disability getting the $6 hr, that I got in 1985, combined with my disability pension which is a travesty that will be corrected hopefully one day…and it all adds up to $1200.00, monthly and at 65 I get reduced to $500 monthly as their disability compensation award.
I am back to fight for JUSTICE FOR MY ANGELS these crimes shouldn’t be forgotten by all those I tried to get help from. I hope I can finally put this travesty behind me. We are broken people having to deal with a broken system…..
We are not VICTIMS, but VICTIMS OF CIRCUMSTANCES and we can CHANGE THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES
WE ARE MORE THAN A LABEL…AND MORE THAN A DISABILITY….
INSPIRATION IS OUR NAME
Giggles Counselling & Consulting
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FEAR IS – FOCUS=EMPOWERMENT=AND=RESILIENCE- (c) Giggles the Poet 2017.
Step into your greatness. You can change the meanings of what you think…..be creative and challenge any negativity…..
FAIL= FIRST ATTEMPT IN LEARNING
END = EFFORT NEVER DIES
C.R.A.P. CONSCIOUSNESS RESPONSIBILITY-ACCOUNTABILITY & PURPOSE
C.R.A.P CONFUSION, REGRET, ANGER & PAIN
You do get to choose the meanings in your mind….
I stand alone, but 10, 000,000 or more stand with me….